I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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