Your dad touched me again.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
