Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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