Define "chronic" masturbator.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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