One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
