Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
