where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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