some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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