I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
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