At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
