can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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