Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
