You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
