i wish starbucks made bloody marys
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
