The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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