this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
honey bunches of taint.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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