i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
