my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
