i need an iv and a liver transplant
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My breasts were aching with rage.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
