I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
