Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
