I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
