Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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