dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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