My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
