lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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