I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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