I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
