Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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