Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
