I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
