i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
