Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
