my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Randomize
