dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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