Betty ford says i'm here all night
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
