she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
