the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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