Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
