i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
