I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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