Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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