I can't breathe out the right side of my face
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We left the knife in your bed.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
