in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You are the jesus of drinking
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
