By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My pussy is not your playground.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
