turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
