I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
