i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm both gender and math confused
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
