here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize