Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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