Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
