How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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