This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
