Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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