Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
