New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
