Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
