i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
