Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
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And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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