It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I need to calm my uterus...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
