Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
