Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Randomize
