saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
